Progress, According to You
Life comes with an unspoken script.
You grow up focusing on school and picking up a skill. You pursue further education that catapults you into your first job, marking the beginning of adulthood. And if you're from a culture like mine, where African traditions shape expectations, then marriage should follow, then kids, and then, well… life as it should be.
Or so I thought.
Despite how “open-minded” our world claims to be, many of us are still silently measured by how well we fit this mold. Deviate from it, and you're seen as lost, rebellious, or somehow less accomplished.
I never actively chose to follow this script, but my path conveniently aligned with it, until it didn’t.
Getting through my PhD was the most intellectually gruelling journey I’ve faced. Halfway through, I promised myself I’d take a break if I made it to the end. I didn’t overthink the implications of being jobless; I just knew I’d earned rest. Yet, when I defended my thesis early into motherhood , that planned sabbatical - once a gift to myself - suddenly felt like a stain.
Dr. Mommy wasn’t enough.
To some, it was as if my potential evaporated because I chose stillness and care. And the worst part? I started to believe them.
Recently, still on sabbatical, I shared some joyful news with people I considered close. I had expected warmth, maybe even celebration, but instead, I was met with passive concern and subtle disapproval. It stung. One person openly questioned my decision-making. Another said little, but their energy said enough.
That moment forced me to ask:
Was I sharing for connection, or for approval?
And when approval doesn’t come, what does that say about the relationship?
Mark Manson writes in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck*:
“You can’t be an important and life-changing presence for some people without also being a joke and an embarrassment to others”
That quote hit me deeply. Because even when we walk with good intentions, someone will misunderstand. Someone will project. And if we’re not careful, we’ll start carrying their doubts as if they’re our truth.
But here’s what I know now:
My life’s journey - my progress - is mine.
I’d rather walk an “unconventional” path than shrink into a version of life shaped by someone else’s fears.
Lately, I’ve started choosing peace over performance. I no longer feel the urge to share everything right away, especially not for validation. Funny how we understand the delay in sharing sad news, yet feel entitled to immediate access to someone’s joy.
No one has the right, or the audacity, to define your rhythm, your story, or your success.
So if my recent decisions feel disruptive to some, good. Because I’m not here to follow a broken order, I’m here to break it.
And if you’re also ready to choose you, to define progress on your terms, and to live a life that honours your peace,
then come along—because it’s about to get beautifully catastrophic.
Have you ever held back your joy because of how it might be received?
Share your thoughts in the comments, I’d love to hear your experience.
